Meeting the needs of children, meeting the needs of parents

As you may have seen from my last post, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about how to meet my needs as a parent as well as the needs of my children. I quoted Naomi Aldort who stated in Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves that " Even what some parents call 'natural' consequences is mostly parent-imposed and therefore causes the same harm and mistrust as punishment." I received a lot of interesting and insightful comments.
To add to my confusion, I've also been reading Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids-7 Keys to Turn Family Conflict Into Co-Operation by Hart and Hodson. I've been practicing some of the ideas from this book with J and B over the last couple of days and have been amazed at how the conflict has dissipated. The authors talk about us all having universal needs such as fun, learning, choices, physical nurturance, relationship with our self(achievement, integrity, self-expression, etc...)relationship with others(belonging, kindness, sharing gifts and talents,etc...)and relationship with the world(beauty, harmony, order and so on). We are all trying to meet our universal needs.
We may have a need to meet for order(cleaning up the house) while the child may have a need to meet for having fun or learning. It's important to realize that our children are always doing their best to meet their needs. They state, "While you can ask others if they are willing to help you, you are the only one responsible for meeting your needs. . .thinking that another person or a group of people are responsible for your needs has at least two unfortunate outcomes. The first is that you can waste a lot of time waiting for certain others to do things for you when you could be busy finding your own solutions. . .the other. . .is that whenever you think in these terms-that others should, have to, or must do something for you-people will most often hear a demand, which makes giving to you less likely. Demands provoke power struggles and are a major obstacle to joyful giving and willing co-operation."
They suggest, in a family meeting, exploring questions such as, "What do people need? Why do you do the things you do?"
Needs: Play, Learning, Rest
Strategies for meeting need: playing video games, reading, 8 p.m bed time

Let's see. . .so much good info in this book. . .they say that you should try to hear your child's yes behind the no. "Whenever your child says No to you, he is saying Yes to something else. By taking time to find out what is more exciting, interesting, fun, or challenging than what you have in mind, you defuse a potentially volatile situation, make a heartfelt connection, and clearly demonstrate your interest and care."

Make do-able requests. p. 104-105
Examples:
Would you be willing to take ten minutes and help me pick up the living room?
Right now, would you brainstorm with me some ways to help you remember to wash your hands before eating?
Non-doable requests-
Would you help around the house?
Would you be more considerate?

p.107
". . .at the time you make your request there may be other needs your child is wanting to meet that will lead them to say No to your request. What you feel and what you say next will demonstrate whether you have made a request of a demand. If you are upset on hearing No to your request, you have probably made a demand. If you have make a request, you can receive your child's No as another possible point of connection."

By the way, we have lots of possible points of connection in our family!:) There's so much more in this book with lots of great ideas for peaceful conflict resolution. Some food for thought. Let me know what you think!

Natural Consequences=Control, what do you think?

One of my favorite parts of homeschooling is talking to other homeschooling parents about their parenting/educational philosophies. I especially enjoy interacting with those parents who get me to question my beliefs(you know who you are!) One parenting belief that I've had is that of "natural consequences". Examples: Bring in your bike or it will get rusty if left in the rain. Finish your work or you can't play when the neighborhood kids get home. Clean up your toys or they will go away for a day. You get the idea. But are these really natural consequences? And, more importantly, does imposing natural consequences on your children create an environment in which children feel safe and thrive? I don't have the answers (boy, do I not have the answers!) but I wanted to throw out a couple of paragraphs from a book I've been reading for discussion. The book is Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort. She states on pp. 172-174,

"Gentle ways of controlling fool both the parent and the child. A child who cooperates with consequences, a time-out, or any variation of such measures with ease or even smiles is too insecure to voice her hurt and often out of touch with her own feelings. She must believe that her parents are doing the right thing and so she concludes that her sense of wrongness is a mistake not to be trusted.
Even what some parents call "natural" consequences is mostly parent-imposed and therefore causes the same harm and mistrust as punishment. If it is natural, it occurs on its own. For example, a father told me that the "natural" consequence of his son not finishing his chores is that he will not go to his friend's house, as he now must stay home and do his chores. However, if a child was expected to wash dishes and didn't , the only natural consequence is that the dishes are dirty. Canceling his play date is a punishment imposed by the parent against the child's will. The child will fear such punishment like any other. To test validity of this observation ask yourself how you would feel if your spouse told you that since you didn't mow the lawn like you planned, you now must do it and skip your yoga class.
You may choose to skip yoga, and the child who neglected the dishes may choose, after you express your feelings, to wash the dishes before going over to his friend's; however, such choices must come from respectful communication of the people involved and based on their authentic preferences. . .
In our most desperate moments, we need to recall that fear-inducing disciplinary measures lead to fear-based compliance, not thriving children. Since what we are striving for can be achieved with dignity, there is no need to fall back on old methods that hurt the child, violate his autonomy, and damage your relationship with him. When your child feels safe to be himself, he will act with competence, not in order to please you but because he wants to succeed. He will be considerate and kind not because he fears you but because he loves you."

What do you think?

Go ahead, compose a symphony!

What was school like for you? What memories of school do you have from childhood? Thinking back on my early years at school (and my later years too) I have very few memories. I remember building a Tyrannosaurus Rex out of chicken wire and paper mache in 4th grade. We built it so high it almost touched the ceiling! I remember it rained really hard and the library got flooded. Then something mysterious happened-a huge bump grew out of the floor. I was fascinated by this! I remember doing presentations on such things as foxes and the ear. I was so shy and was terrified of getting up in front of class to present. That's about it.

I have no real memories of junior high-I think I was just trying to keep a low profile. I was happy to make it through junior high without my friends ever "turning" on me.

High school was about getting into a good college. There were few classes that interested me and I skipped many. But, surprisingly, I pulled it off. I was good at cramming information into my brain and then forgetting everything after I took the test. I have a distinct memory of asking my dad for help in pre-calculus. He was frustrated because I had no interest in understanding the problems. I just wanted to be able to do the problems, get the A, and move on. Move on. I'm amazed that so much education could produce so few memories. You couldn't call those years a symphony, lip-syncing was more like it. Please visit http://radiofreeschool.blogspot.com/ and view their video on Music and Life.